Looking over my shoulder

For the last couple months I found myself looking over my shoulder at where I used to be. How I used to act. The things I used to say. The way I used to think.

I started thinking to myself…my goodness how far I have come…man I was a miserable person back then. I got so focused on how I used to live I took my eyes off of where I was going and crashed into the guardrails, finding myself in the ditch so to speak.

Needless to say…this isn’t a good place to be.

I puffed my chest out and said to God…I got this, I can take the wheel back for a moment, You have changed me so now I can drive for a little while.

Again, not a good place to be.

So how could this happen? How could so much change take place, but yet I still hit the guardrails and land in the ditch?

One word

Complacent 

I became satisfied for who I was at the moment and stopped allowing God to continue to change me. I thought that I “made it to the next level” in my journey towards Jesus, and became content. I thought that I was allowing God to “daily renew my mind” as Romans 12: 2 calls us to do. I thought I was moving.

A wise man once explained a concept to me.

When you look at the water in a swamp what you normally see is the algae. And why does algae collect? Because the water isn’t moving.

Or is it?

If you were to look closely you can see some breaks in the algae, and you can actually see some movement in the water. But the flow of the water isn’t great enough to flush the algae completely from the swamps.

Sometimes in our lives when we think we are “better” than we were two years ago, we tend to put the present on “cruise control” while we dwell on the past. Now granted, we are probably closer to God than we were two years ago, but that becomes a stumbling block for us, and we subconsciously put life on cruise control.

I have been on cruise control.

Recently we took a vacation where we traveled to Tennessee and Virginia. While on the interstate, I utilized the cruise control on the van. It was convenient. I was able to give my leg a break and kind of stretch out a little, being cautious not to get too comfortable though. While having your vehicle on cruise control can be a good thing, I have found that having your spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental life on cruise control isn’t.

While on cruise control I found conversations turning into debates that I took personally. I found anger creeping its ugly head back into my logic. I found my buttons being pushed all too often, and me reacting out of emotion instead of using the listen, think, and if you have to speak method.

So I ask myself one question.

What led to me being on cruise control?

It’s a question that cuts through all of the layers and penetrates into the very core of who I am.

It’s a question loaded with hurt and pain.

It’s a question I haven’t quite answered yet…